When life spirals into chaos, many of us turn to God, hoping for answers, clarity, or maybe just a miracle. And what do we get? Guilt and shame, wrapped in religious bows, whispering:
“Did I deserve this?”
“Am I being punished?”
“Why am I the only one failing at life?”
Here’s the truth: God isn’t your nosy neighbor, peeping over the fence to tally your missteps. Faith isn’t about bargaining with God—“If I do this, you’ll fix my life, right?”—or keeping score.
Piety without love is just performance. And when life falls apart, it’s easy to think that perfection in devotion or behavior will fix the pain. But faith isn’t about spotlessness—it’s about connection and being present.
Surrender: The Hardest and Most Beautiful Miracle
Years ago, before my firstborn’s second heart surgery, I stood in Tirupati, exhausted from fear and helplessness. Close to 18 months I had dreaded and worried if my son would make it or not. I had nothing left in my spirit and was too tired.
I prayed:
“I don’t know what’s best for him or me. Do what is right.”
Few weeks later, I lost my son.
For years, I wrestled with that moment. Did surrender mean I failed him? Should I have prayed harder or differently? Did I conceive him with a wrong mindset? Endless thoughts ate me.
What I’ve come to understand is this: that prayer wasn’t about changing his fate; it was about preparing me to face it. God’s grace didn’t remove the pain, but it gave me the strength to endure it.
Looking back, I see that loss with new eyes. It shaped me, gave me resilience I didn’t know I had, and set me on a path I couldn’t have planned.
Surrender doesn’t mean giving up—it means opening up. It’s letting go of control, trusting that what’s happening is meant to lead you toward growth.
The Rudram Challenge: 500 Days of Showing Up
Fast-forward to the pandemic. With two kids in isolation, endless housework, and my single-mom chaos, I decided to chant the Rudram for 48 days mandala only to beat the fear of what if something goes wrong. I am the queen of Disaster Recovery mode ha!! Then 48 became 75, 100 and then 500 days straight, at the same time every day.
For those curious, the Rudram is a hymn from the Vedas dedicated to Lord Shiva. It’s grounding, powerful, and also really hard to commit to. If you’d like to explore it, here are some helpful resources:
So, what did I learn after 500 days? Did I have divine revelations? No. Did I stop being a control freak? Absolutely not.
But here’s the thing: the prayers showed me who I was. Not the polished version I like to present, but the messy, imperfect me. And seeing myself honestly? That was the beginning of real growth.
Faith isn’t about solving your problems in one go. It’s about holding space for yourself, discovering what you need to know, and finding the wisdom to work with it. Those 500 days taught me that showing up—flaws and all—is a miracle in itself.
God Isn’t Keeping Score (But We Are)
Let’s face it: we’ve been conditioned to confuse goodness with piety. If something bad happens, we assume it’s punishment for not being “pure” enough. But God isn’t a peeping tom spying on us to keep a cosmic ledger of our mistakes.
His compassion is for everyone—even the people we think least deserve it. What truly messes us up is our own guilt and shame. We trap ourselves in cycles of judgment, thinking perfection will earn us relief.
But faith isn’t about bargaining with God. It’s not a transaction where we promise to follow the rules in exchange for blessings. Faith is about showing up authentically, trusting that God meets us where we are.
What I’ve Learned About Chaos and Faith
Prayers Show You as You Are:
Faith isn’t about being perfect. It’s about seeing yourself clearly and trusting that’s enough to start.
Surrender Is Strength:
Letting go of control isn’t weakness—it’s the first step toward growth.
God Has Your Back:
Chaos isn’t punishment. Every challenge carries a lesson, even if it doesn’t look like one right away.
A Prayer for Chaos
“Here I am, messy and flawed. Guide me, protect me, and help me see the miracles I’m blind to. Show me how to grow with grace and remind me that your plans are better than mine.”
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